Frequently Asked Questions

I found out I've got BDSM feelings, but I have a partner. What do I do now?

This is one of the more difficult things a starting BDSM-er could encounter.

I've been asked that question many times before and there's just no good answer for it.
In fact there's only 1 good advise to give here, even if it's not always the easiest thing to do.

First of all find out how serious you are about BDSM and make sure it's not a spur of the moment thing.  Once you're sure BDSM is really your thing, then there's only one solution: Start the discussion with your partner.

Hard?  Yes !!  But on the long run it's always better than hiding it or doing it behind some ones back.

It's not possible to advise anyone how to do this. Everyone is different and only you know your partner good enough to pick the right way.  What we can do is offer a couple of ways to start the discussion. You'll have to decide if and which one you'll use.  Once the conversation started you need to offer some good information. (show him/her some websites .. like this one. Tip: do not show them the hardcore sites, because the pictures will do more harm then good. find the info sites or the soft erotic ones to show.)  Remember your partner will feel he/she has met someone they didn't know yet and you need to make a good first impression again.  As you know there's only one chance to make a first impression so think it over well before you dive into it.

The "how to tell" possibilities

1. If you are sure your partner will not freak out when BDSM is mentioned, you can have yourself being caught by leaving something BDSM-orientated laying around. Don't go straight for the buttplugs or bullwhips, but something more innocent like a SM book/magazine, handcuffs. Even a couple of clothespins in an unusual place can do miracles.
If you are a submissive, the getting caught might just be your first  real life BDSM experience.

2. Rent a BDSM orientated movie like 9 1/2 weeks or even Histoire d'O. This might raise some questions and open some doors to discuss the subject of you liking BDSM.

3. Write a letter in which you express your deepest feelings, but try to keep it as clean and nice as possible so you wont be called a pervert after one paragraph. try to emphasize your longing for submission of Dominance instead of using explicit language or examples.

4. Borrow/buy a book about BDSM. Not hardcore but novels or autobiographies.  Marquis De Sade is a bad example of BDSM books because the torture in the books is not with mutual consent.  I do not know any good English titles at this point, but if I do I will add them here.

5. Try to add a subtle kind of BDSM into your sexlife, like a blindfold, simple bondage or ice cubes.
For the bondage try to use nice and soft materials like silk (a stocking would be nice here) instead of leather or metal handcuffs. Soft materials are easier associated with erotic play. If you are a beginning Dominant, try to hold your partner down by holding his/her wrists while having sex. Even try to hold his/her hands behind his/her back. Most IMPORTANT: when you're done, ask if and how he/she liked that. (if the answer is positive or negative doesn't really matter, because you've opened the conversation and you are talking about (soft) BDSM.  Remember that your partner can have a hard time admitting he/she liked to be held down so be gentle and understanding about whatever the answer is.

6. Last and maybe the hardest way: Just sit your partner down and start to explain how you feel and what you like.  and see where it ends.  If you have real BDSM feelings they're hard to repress once they're out and you will want to do something with them in the end. So perhaps you don't do something with them and get frustrated because you can't express your real you.  If your partner really doesn't like BDSM he/she might allow you to find that somewhere else, since you've explained him/her BDSM has nothing to do with sex.bbIf your partner can't live with that and makes you repress these feelings without giving you a chance to explain the significance these feelings have for you, you might need to ask yourself: is this the best relation/partner for me?

This might sound hard, but if you set your emotions aside for a while and think rationally it makes perfect sense.  But like I said before, it's hard to advise you about it, all I can do is give you some tips to go with. 


How can I find a Dom or sub? How to meet people with the same interests?

The meeting of people with the same interests is very important in BDSM. First of all you might want to see you're not the only one and you're not crazy, and later you'll just make good friends in the scene. Anyway it's nice to sit at a bar and freely talk about BDSM and even 'do' BDSM without people staring at you like they've seen a ghost.

There are 2 ways which are tightly connected to each other. Real life Or IRC  They are connected because most people on meetings also know each other trough IRC chatrooms. 

IRC

There are many chat rooms about/for BDSM and they are all good.  Some might be more crowded or more fun than others but that's very personal and you need to find your own place there. (Some folks like small pubs and others like the Grand cafe's)

The way to get to know people is simple. Just try to chat along in the room.  Tell people you are new to BDSM or new to chatting and they will expect less of you and you are allowed some mistakes.  Don't pretend to be Mister experience because you wont get away with it and once caught as a faker you'll find how small the BDSM-scene really is. you'll end up with no place to go.

Another good tip: Once you found a nice room, keep coming there on a regular basis. (once a week or more) Do not go to all the rooms you can find but stick to the 1 or 2 where you feel most at home.  That way you get to know the regular crowd and might meet the D/s of your dreams. At least you'll find your self in a network of people who know you and who know others.   Most chatrooms have a set of rules, like the way you express yourself and how nicknames are written, or how to engage a private chat with someone. Learn these rules and stick with them. (they're basically normal good courtesy.)

Real-life meetings are most commonly chatroom meetings and private parties.  As newbee it's hard to get in there unless you're introduced by someone or if you're one of the frequent visitors of a certain chatroom.  This shows the importance of chatting. It can get you invited to the meetings and private parties.

There are some public places where you can go but you have to know where and when.  I don't have a worldwide agenda, but if you are in the Netherlands you might try the Smashing Sunday in Amsterdam. This is a monthly party for everyone interested in BDSM.

This might be scary the first time but it's really not. You could compare it to the bar at your soccer/football club.  You are all together, talking about anything and it's just possible to talk about BDSM openly (or 'do' BDSM) because everyone there has that as a mutual interest. It's the BDSM that brought you together, but it's not illegal to talk about other interests. It's about being together with a mutual interest.  Do not expect Marquis-de-Sade-like scenes. There might be some play, but not necessarily when you are there. 


Isn't it Dangerous?

No!. BDSM is not more of a risk than driving a car of go to work each day. If there's a risk, you created it or let it happen to you. There are some rules and tips to go by to keep it safe.

- Discuss can/cant's Do's and don'ts BEFORE you start.
Either by a conversation with the partner of by filling in a D/s checklist.

- Report any medical condition or physical limitation someone might need to take in consideration.
This is not about the obvious things anyone could see (like glasses etc.) but about the invisible disabilities. Things like: asthma, Heart problems, hearing problems, contact lenses, phobic fears (claustrophobia) etc. Not only for the submissive one, but also the Dominant partner needs to share disabilities that might cause a hazard. A Dominant with 1 bad ear should tell this, so the submissive knows a whispered stop word will not be overheard, so the Dominant continues to play after the submissive begged for mercy which will end up in the submissive ending the play entirely.

- Prepare an emergency scenario including the tools you might need.
For example have a knife or scissors ready when you tie somebody up with rope or leather straps. Be prepared to cut the rope or the expensive leather cuffs in an emergency. It might sound overreacted but imagine there's a fire and you can't untie the submissive because you are panicking.

- Learn
Not just the right BDSM words, but study anything that can be a risk while playing. Anyone can place a hook or bracket to a ceiling, but don't just hang up your submissive without making sure it's possible. Someone hanging upside down who weighs 50 kilos can triple it's weight when swinging in a panic. So make sure it's capable to hold 4 people before you try hanging 1 person.

- Use the right tools for everything.
This might be a logical thing, but you will not be the first Dominant that will try to hang a submissive by it's anklecuffs. There are special cuffs for this action and that's that's not just for show.

- Do not doubt.
Golden rule is: If you have doubts about something, don't do it. That gut-feeling is nature's way to warn you. Step back and reconsider, or just forget it and move on to something else and go back to learning about the thing you were not sure of.

I've seen the D/s Checklist but I don't understand most of the things, and the other things scare me.

That's why the list is there.  If there's anything on it you are afraid to do, fill in the NO.  Never think about pretending because you don't want to be a crybaby.  Giving false answers on the D/s checklist will absolutely backfire at you.  There's only 1 way to fill out that form and it's 100% HONESTLY.

If a Dominant reads how you love knifeplay, He/She might use it while in fact you are scared to death and will start to panic.  Result: Game over and the trust severely damaged. (if less lucky, more can be damaged ... like yourself !! )  If you would just have said you might like it but you're not sure, the Dominant would pay much better attention to your signals during the play and you might have a very nice experience. (or not nice, but then you know it for sure and can adjust your checklist to prevent any harm in the future)  So once again: Don't pretend to be more experienced or brave than you really are, because it's dangerous.


I've met someone trough icq/msn/chat and I would like to visit/meet that person. Is that safe?

Sure it is, if only you take some things in consideration.  Since we are talking about BDSM and you meeting someone will be about BDSM, there is something you need to realize. Some folks (mostly men) like the idea of meeting submissive people (preferably women) because the think you will to as your told no matter what. This is not to scare you, but to make you realize that to some people you are not a person but a prey! So be warned, be careful and be safe.

There are a few things you need to think of when you want to meet someone in real life for a first time.

1. Are you sure the person is who he/she says to be.
Check this. Ask if there's anyone who can confirm his/her identity. Anyone (Dom or sub) who considers this a problem or an insult is unreliable and not even worth meeting. If someone is sincere he/she will have no problem with you making sure. in fact he/she might ask you the same question.
It's not paranoia, it's being smart and safe.

2. Try to meet someone for a drink on neutral public ground to get acquainted. There you can decide whether to go along and play or to go home.

3. Get a safety net.
Meaning: make sure you have an address to give to someone, so they know where you are.
Make sure you have a phone appointment with this friend. So he/she will expect a call from you at a certain time and will take action if that call never comes.  If this friend is someone who doesn't know about your BDSM quest, you can always put the address and explanation in a closed envelop, only to be opened in an emergency.  Tell the person you are going to meet that you have that safety net.
Again: If that person is offended, mad or insulted by it, wonder why that is and then blow the whole thing off because apparently this person is not  being honest about something and there for not worth your trust.

This all might seem overreacted to you, but I'm giving you the safest way to avoid the worse case scenario.  In how much you will use it, is up to you.